“For beauty is nothing/ but the beginning of terror we can/ just barely endure,/ and we admire it so because it/ calmly disdains/ to destroy us.” Rainer Maria Rilke, The First Elegy.
“Why try to know the future, which cannot be known?” Horace, Strategy for Living.
“This trans body trains the doctor to see it as a patient and its need as deserving of care, much in the same way wolves once trained humans to see them as dogs.” Cooper Lee Bombardier, Pass with Care: Memoirs.
I was born wrong but there’s no way to fix it, not now. The world isn’t right for the me that was supposed to be, and I don’t know if I have the will to go through all that pain – I’m so tired of pain. There’s no language, no image, for what I want to be. It doesn’t exist. I’m too tired. I look at the plastic shovel in my hand and the concrete in front of me and I wonder – is it worth drawing blood to break this ground?
looks like something is rising to
the surface and I’m panicking
about it. again.
let’s hope catastrophe isn’t making
its sweet way towards me.
can I not kill this thing inside me?
I think I am mourning
something I will never have.
maybe I’m mourning a life I used to have. a body I used to inhabit. I must have loved it. I must have loved it a lot.
I am dying to unlock my body
I will die to unlock my body
Will you let me have my body?
I killed a little girl today.
I held her under water
while her parents watched her die.
They let me do it. It must have hurt them.
It hurt me.
Then I took my hands away
and let her float downstream.
They pulled her to the bank
put flowers in her hair
and let her run free
for years and years.
But these new years are mine.
People made fun of you for wanting to have the gender of a star – but isn’t that beautiful? I feel more like the night sky than I do a woman, a man – I feel vast and lonely. Of course I’m a star. Burning. A few milennia late. You will not realise I am gone, not at first. I will go but my light will outlast me.
Old gods teach me
Loki shows me how to pull
fangs from my gums to
tear out the throats of
those who condemn seiðr.
Watching home videos…
Could I really tell that little girl I hate her? hate her body?
she doesn’t even know what that feels like yet.
if that child stood before me
could I welcome her
with anything except love?
she swam naked in the sea!
how I would kill for that now!
love your body, child!
love it through time!
love it always!!
I thought it was a sign from God. The angels had descended, said Be afraid. You have been cast from this flock. When I died I would not be welcomed into Heaven. I did not fear Hell, but I feared exclusion from divine love. I feared never seeing my grandmother again. What does being trans feel like?
I locked myself in the bathroom. Let my heart and brain bleed out, turn the cool tiles red and hot, stain the floor of the closet to keep others’ feet clean. Drown in this invisible pain that a coloniser’s tongue forbids me to transcribe. What does being trans feel like?
I am in the closet in the bathroom I am the liminal creature and the warning and the messenger. What makes me monstrum instead of angelus?
THE MONSTER STANDS AT THE EDGE OF BECOMING.
What does being trans feel like?
I am witnessing my funeral in real time.
I am witnessing my birth in real time.
There are many tears.